Category Archives: grief

Part One: DECISION TIME Will you choose burial or cremation?

 

What should your family do with your dead body? Whether death comes from an accident or a terminal illness, the survivors are thrown into a suffocating emotional fog. When you’re so vulnerable, it’s the worst time to make decisions. The verbal snapshots I’m sharing below may be fifty years old but remain crystal clear in my memory. Please help your family avoid these pitfalls by talking to them now and pre-paying a burial or cremation plan. Your contract gives them a blueprint to fulfill your final wishes, and give you the services you requested.

My dad was alone in the hospital Saturday night, while we were stuck on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. When we arrived at midnight, my mom said, He’s gone.

I was indignant. Why would the hospital transfer a man with pneumonia?

She replied: He didn’t leave the hospital. He’s dead.

Monday was miserable and rainy, made worse by seeing a dead mouse lying on the cold cement floor of the casket showroom. The salesman’s efforts to upsell my dad’s departure in a mahogany casket fell on deaf ears. Mom chose a pine box.

Thirty years later, she gleefully said: I bought my cremation five years ago. Go tell the funeral home to change my obituary—I want everyone to know I just had another great-grandson. And–I am NOT going to be buried with your father.

What? She had her name and birthdate inscribed on his gravestone in 1971. We stumbled and asked: Well, where do you want us to put your ashes?

       Her retort: I don’t care, I’ll be dead. That’s your problem.

       There was a good reason why my brother-in-law didn’t come downstairs for breakfast: he was dead. My sister recalled he looked like he was having a good dream. Her son called the police, and because it was an ‘unattended death’ they contacted the medical examiner. The local crematorium demanded a cash payment and she withdrew the money from their savings account. Otherwise, she’d have had to borrow the money or get a line of credit.

During our eight years as full-time RVers, we planned to donate our bodies to medical science. However, six months after permanently relocating to a retirement community in Leesburg, Florida, we attended some local presentations about cremations, which changed our minds.

Before our sixteenth wedding anniversary, we paid for our cremations, including the travel plan, to alleviate the financial responsibility for our respective families. I’ve created two charts:

1) In Case of Emergency (ICE) – contact info about ourselves, our children, and grandchildren.

2) Disbursement of joint property: a blueprint of monthly accounts, and checking account assignments.

Coming next:

Part Two: DECISION TIME    Cremation Q & A

Because we had such a good experience with our counselor, I’ve asked him to share the questions he hears most frequently.

 

 

 

 

Give Grief Space to Breathe

Guest Blogger: Kim Adams, Certified End of Life and Grief Coach

Grief is the natural, common response to a loss. And loss is a human experience. Therefore, we each experience loss in one form or another. We tend to most often think of grief after the death of a loved one. However, grief occurs along the journey — along the journey of life (divorce, loss of friendships, job loss, etc.) and along the caregiver journey.  We can experience the anticipation of loss — grief that our loved one is no longer the person they once were with diminished physical abilities and/or diminished mental capabilities especially with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. And in addition, the loss of our own identity, including the the loss we feel as our role of caregiver will ultimately change. Continue reading

Death & Dying, Loss & Grief Brought to You by THE DEATH CHICKS

The Death Chicks? Are you kidding me? How outrageous and fun, melding the disparate concepts, “Death” and “Chicks” into a weekly show on Google Hangouts On Air (HOA).

Thanks to the internet, two professionals working in the death industry, Patty Burgess/Philadelphia connected with Myste Lyn/ Canada. Getting acquainted through Skype, they discovered they were “on the same wave length,” and shared a similar sense of humor. Their conversations were always punctuated with laughter, a key element to releasing endorphins in the brains. As they explored the spectrum of end of life issues to discuss in a weekly show, they knew laughter was a key component, because it puts people at ease, and lessens their fears. Patty said: “Our individual hospice training and personal coaching perspectives created our basic philosophy: you can’t enjoy life to the fullest unless you stop being afraid of dying.” Continue reading

A Logical, Loving Exit Strategy—in Ten Easy Steps

Last summer I hired a woman-owned firm* to cut our grass. A chance conversation about my work on end of life issues opened a flood gate of gratitude to her mother. Astounded, my reaction was “Wow! Your mom sounds like The Poster Child for planning ahead. Please write this story for my website!” Continue reading

The Longest Running Guilt–Remorse–or REGRET?

In 1966, I was working in Washington, D.C. when I got the news that my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, age fifty-seven. I called his doctor in Ohio. He emphatically said: “He’s got about five years IF he follows directions.”

Not once during those five long years did we ever ask:

  • Had the doctor counseled him?
  • What was he worried about?
  • How could we help him?
  • How did he feel about dying?
  • Was there anything he wanted to say to us before he died?
  • What kind of funeral did he want?
  • How would we cope when he was gone?

Continue reading