before you go

“Before you go…” BLOG posts focus on critical End of Life Issues. Request custom-designed workshops for your church or community group. Click here.

Part Two: DECISION TIME Cremation Q & A

Guest Blogger: Dean Netwal, Counselor at Baldwin Brothers, a Funeral and Cremation Society of Florida

Q: Why do people choose to pre-arrange their funerals or cremations?

A: They don’t want to leave a burden on their loved ones. Your wishes are fulfilled, and our  Price Guarantee Agreement assures you that goods and services will never change. We focus on dignity and respect in your time of need.

Q:  Can I plan a traditional funeral as well as a cremation?

A:  Yes—it’s your choice. A traditional funeral or cremation can have a wake, visitation, viewing, and religious services. Or you can choose an immediate burial or direct cremation.

Q:  If I contracted with Baldwin Brothers, can I make changes to my plans?

A.  Changes can be made at any time and full credit will be applied or refunded for any merchandise or services that are not provided.

Q:  What happens to my money when I pay in advance?

A. Monies paid in advance are placed in a State of Florida approved interest- bearing trust account in your name. This ensures your funds are always available, and your family receives everything in your contract.

 Q: What if I am out of the area, or even out of the country when I pass?

A. Baldwin Brothers Travel Protection Program is available for an additional fee. If you are beyond a 75-mile radius of our normal service area, we handle all arrangements and expenses worldwide. If you relocate within the United States, we maintain your coverage.       

Q: Can I cancel after 30 days?

A. Beyond Florida’S mandated 30-day “cooling off period,” you receive a full (100%) refund of any unused services or merchandise, excluding the $95 pre-arrangement administration fee and travel protection plan.

 Q: Can I finance my purchase?

A. We offer 0% financing on contracts written in 2018.

Dean Netwal is licensed in Florida but will answer your questions or make referrals for other states. Call him at Baldwin Brothers (352) 508-9501, or on his cell phone (352) 321-0463. dnetwal@baldwincremation.com

Additional resources:

Consumer protection guidelines from the Federal Trade Commission

https://www.bulkorder.ftc.gov/publications/complying-funeral-rule   Free, 32-page booklet

https://www.bulkorder.ftc.gov/system/files/publications/565a-complying-with-funeral-rule.pdf

https://www.nextavenue.org/plan-your-funeral-now   Candy Arrington 8/7/18

 

 

 

Part One: DECISION TIME Will you choose burial or cremation?

 

What should your family do with your dead body? Whether death comes from an accident or a terminal illness, the survivors are thrown into a suffocating emotional fog. When you’re so vulnerable, it’s the worst time to make decisions. The verbal snapshots I’m sharing below may be fifty years old but remain crystal clear in my memory. Please help your family avoid these pitfalls by talking to them now and pre-paying a burial or cremation plan. Your contract gives them a blueprint to fulfill your final wishes, and give you the services you requested.

My dad was alone in the hospital Saturday night, while we were stuck on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. When we arrived at midnight, my mom said, He’s gone.

I was indignant. Why would the hospital transfer a man with pneumonia?

She replied: He didn’t leave the hospital. He’s dead.

Monday was miserable and rainy, made worse by seeing a dead mouse lying on the cold cement floor of the casket showroom. The salesman’s efforts to upsell my dad’s departure in a mahogany casket fell on deaf ears. Mom chose a pine box.

Thirty years later, she gleefully said: I bought my cremation five years ago. Go tell the funeral home to change my obituary—I want everyone to know I just had another great-grandson. And–I am NOT going to be buried with your father.

What? She had her name and birthdate inscribed on his gravestone in 1971. We stumbled and asked: Well, where do you want us to put your ashes?

       Her retort: I don’t care, I’ll be dead. That’s your problem.

       There was a good reason why my brother-in-law didn’t come downstairs for breakfast: he was dead. My sister recalled he looked like he was having a good dream. Her son called the police, and because it was an ‘unattended death’ they contacted the medical examiner. The local crematorium demanded a cash payment and she withdrew the money from their savings account. Otherwise, she’d have had to borrow the money or get a line of credit.

During our eight years as full-time RVers, we planned to donate our bodies to medical science. However, six months after permanently relocating to a retirement community in Leesburg, Florida, we attended some local presentations about cremations, which changed our minds.

Before our sixteenth wedding anniversary, we paid for our cremations, including the travel plan, to alleviate the financial responsibility for our respective families. I’ve created two charts:

1) In Case of Emergency (ICE) – contact info about ourselves, our children, and grandchildren.

2) Disbursement of joint property: a blueprint of monthly accounts, and checking account assignments.

Coming next:

Part Two: DECISION TIME    Cremation Q & A

Because we had such a good experience with our counselor, I’ve asked him to share the questions he hears most frequently.

 

 

 

 

Elephant in the Room! What we are NOT talking about by M. Jane Markley

 

The Elephant in the Room

 Most of us have heard or used this phrase at some time in our lives. I love its definition: “a major problem or controversial issue that is obviously present but avoided as a subject for discussion because it is more comfortable to do so.” Now doesn’t that sound like advance care planning? Over 80% of the population knows about advance care planning and that they should complete their advance directive yet, only around 27% of the population has done so.

Are you living with an elephant? Do you want it to go away? You should, and most of us do, but many of us don’t know where to start. When confronted with something large and unmanageable, break it down into smaller bites, and eventually, it will disappear.

The next time family and friends get together, take the initiative to start nibbling away at the elephant. When someone reminisces about the past, shift the discussion to future outcomes. Start by getting people to talk about their personal experiences with death, then move the conversation to What do you think makes a life well-lived? Ask for assistance in preparing your final gift: a thorough End of Life roadmap for your family. If you become incapacitated it frees them from making life and death decisions. This is why today is called a present.

Removing the elephant from the room is a gift to be treasured. Advance directive forms can be found at Aging with Dignity www.agingwithdignity.org and Caring Connections www.caringinfo.org Your physician and state’s website also offer free resources. You’ll discover that by encouraging others to discuss their preferences and talk about what they would include in their own advance directive, your gift will have no boundaries.

Note:  Jane’s goal is to see everyone over the age of eighteen (18) complete their Advance Directives. You can learn more about Jane at her website, listed below.

Jane Markley, RN, FACHE, President       M Jane Markley Consulting, LLC     www.mjmarkley.com       Mobile:  703-298-1201

 

Celebrate Your Life With A Video Biography

 

By Debbie Brodsky

Most people don’t want to think about death. Not their own, nor of their loved ones. It’s easier to avoid thinking about it.

I have been creating video biographies for families for over ten years. Of the many objections I’ve had for people not creating a video of their lives, the one that’s always baffled me the most is when people say, “It’s morbid.” They think that by creating a video about their life, that it’s a sign of things to come – that somehow creating a video about their lives is going to somehow cause their death. And no one wants to think about that.

I understand. It feels like by telling your life story, you must be somehow at the end of that story.

Yet we know intellectually that we all are going to die at some point. For those with a terminal illness, that time may come sooner than later. And for those who are left behind, being able to experience a loved one after their death – to hear their voice and see their face light up as they speak – is an enormous gift.

The irony is that when those who are reluctant finally do agree to share their story on camera, they end up enjoying the process immensely. Yes, it may bring up strong emotions, and yes, it’s sometimes hard. But they actually enjoy going on this journey with me – telling the stories of the milestones they have reached, the challenges they have overcome, and the family members they cherished when they were young. They love looking through old pictures, and remembering things they hadn’t thought about in years. More than anything, it brings a sense of peace and relief. They feel a weight lifted. This gift that they’re creating – this legacy for generations to come – is more than a gift to the future. It’s a gift to their present selves honoring their storied past.

If you or someone you know has a terminal illness, creating a video to celebrate their life is one of the best things you can do for them – and for you.

For assistance and resources for creating your video biography, please visit http://www.dmbpictures.com

Related articles:

http://www.dmbpictures.com/blog/2015/10/is-there-a-silver-lining-to-cancer/

http://www.dmbpictures.com/blog/2012/04/the-benefits-of-telling-your-story/

PS — I met Debbie when she conducted a seminar at HOPE CONNECTIONS in Bethesda, Maryland. If I could ‘roll back time’ I wish this is something I had done with my relatives. Just as there are no cell phones in Heaven, neither do they have video cameras. Before it’s  too late, why not start a Legacy project in your family? Make a list of the people you want to honor, call and schedule your first session. Hint: Don’t procrastinate on this one.

 

“Help me take care of my pets, and find them good homes when I die.”

An explanation from Elizabeth: I’d never be described as an animal person but as a hospice volunteer I know how distraught and worried the terminally ill become when separated from their pets. In 2009 Dianne McGill, President and Founder of Pet Peace of Mind (PPOM) offered a revolutionary, formalized solution for other community hospice organizations.

Is your pet part of your family? The human-pet bond gives the patient a reason to get up each morning because caring for their pet(s) adds a sense of normalcy and stability to their day.
Friends may stop visiting because they’re too uncomfortable, and don’t know what to say. Not so with the four-legged creatures! As Mary explained: “My pet’s my lifeline. When I’m overwhelmed with anxiety about my diagnosis and treatment program, he’s totally devoted to me. I’m lucky not to be separated from him. His companionship improves the quality of my final days.” Research indicates that being assured their pet will be adopted by a loving family after they pass, is one of the most important pieces of unfinished business.

PPOM is the patient’s advocate. They explain to family and friends the value of the bonding between patient and pet. PPOM’s unique turnkey approach provides nonprofit hospices and palliative care organizations with startup funding. They launch local programs, train volunteers to help patients with their pet care needs, and find new forever homes after the patient’s death. This practical, ongoing support alleviates the patient’s feelings of isolation and hopelessness.
Watch the newest video from the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization’s public awareness campaign “Moments of Life: Made Possible by Hospice.”

Pet Peace of Mind is the focus of the newest video from the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization

Maxwell Finds a Home was a local TV interview in Portland, Oregon. Dianne brought this Basset Hound, Maxwell, to explain how quickly he was adopted by a family with children, other pets living on a large farm. Once her dying wish was granted, that Maxwell would have a wonderful new life, she left this world a very happy woman. Read similar stories at www.petpeaceofmind.org

Click on this map http://petpeaceofmind.org/participating-hospices/ to discover the resources within your own state. Want to initiate a program to receive or give help to a patient in need? http://petpeaceofmind.org/program-partners/ There are PPOM programs in forty-two (42) states.

President Dianne McGill, founded this program in 2009. Pet Peace of Mind Willamette Heritage Center, 1313 Mill St. SE, Suite 304, Salem, Oregon 97301. (503) 363-0499 dmcgill@petpeaceofmind.org

Part Two: “Let’s Talk Turkey” Here’s a real life example

Giving Thanks for My Father’s Death
By Rev. Rosemary Lloyd, 11/22/2016

[Permission to publish]

This Thursday, there will be an empty chair at the table for our family Thanksgiving gathering. My brothers and I made plans months ago to come from the many corners of our busy lives to be together for what we suspected would be my father’s final Thanksgiving on earth. But he won’t be with us. He died October 16, 2016.

It’s okay.

Don’t misunderstand: I’m sad; I will miss him forever.
And I am grateful for his death.

My father was 95 in August. For more than two years, we witnessed the mental diminishment that came with the unforgiving progression of late-onset dementia. Ultimately, the man who was a navigator during World War II—who could fly through night skies with stars as his guides—would say, “I’m lost. Where am I? Where are we going?” Untethered from the circadian rhythms of the household, he would wander restlessly at night and doze on and off through the day.

It became more and more difficult to understand what made him comfortable or uncomfortable. What he would want to eat instead of push away. Whether he would agree to take a walk or get dressed or simply refuse.
So, when he died quietly, sitting in his favorite chair, waiting to be called for dinner, I was, of course, sad. And grateful.

Grateful that his death was what so many of us dream for ourselves: It was peaceful, seemingly without pain, at home, near his beloved wife, the smells of his favorite dinner wafting from the kitchen. We are grateful for the mercy that he still knew his bride of 63 years, and recognized his children and grandchildren. The twinkle is his eyes still ignited when he saw a baby or a pretty woman. And he was still saying, “Thank you,” “I’m sorry,” and “I love you.”

I am so grateful that we had some crucial conversations along the way. Dad convened his adult children after Thanksgiving dinner some years ago to explain his finances to us all. He designated who was to have Power of Attorney for financial matters, who would be executors of his estate, and who his back-up health care agent was, after our mom.

Early last year, having outlived the battery in the pacemaker/defibrillator that slept under his skin, he opted to have just the pacemaker replaced, saying he didn’t want his heart “shocked” if it was ready to stop. We gently pushed the conversation to the next level: What if your heart stops beating in the hospital or at home? Do you want us to attempt CPR to try to restart your heart? “No,” he answered softly. “I don’t want that.”

He asked his doctor for a DNR order and it was placed on the refrigerator at home. I am so grateful for his courage, and for my mother’s and brothers’ tender compassion that allowed us to talk openly. And for the doctor’s humanity in receiving Dad’s request. Those conversations were a gift that gave everyone peace of mind on October 16th.

Though he “graduated” from hospice in August, I am grateful for the dedicated and compassionate people who supported my parents for six months. If you ask her, my mother will tell you how “Wonderful!” were the world-expanding visits from the chaplain, and social worker, and nurse—for both of them.

I am grateful for the many years that my father was our guiding star, and for the gift of words that expressed his love for us and his faith in a God who would be his eternal rest. I am grateful for the many family, friends, and strangers-to-me who expressed their condolences, sent food, came to the house and the funeral parlor, to the church and the graveside. I am grateful for the co-workers who allowed me the time to be with my family and who understand that grief isn’t over just because the funeral is.

As I look around the table this Thanksgiving, I will, no doubt, see eyes that twinkle like my dad’s, and eyes that sparkle with brimming tears. And I will feel so much gratitude for the gift of my father’s life and his death. May his memory be a blessing for generations.

Let’s Talk Turkey—and I Don’t Mean “Who Wants a Drumstick?”

turkey-drawing-by-ben-hider

November 20, 2016   Bethesda, Maryland

Last year, 87 million Americans drove over fifty miles in a frenzied attempt to connect with relatives and friends for Thanksgiving. Will you be on the road next week? What are your motives? Will it be worth it?

The expression, Let’s talk turkey, refers to ‘having a focus, getting down to business.’ Will you commit to making your holiday visit more productive? It’s an ideal intergenerational time to talk about end-of-life wishes, hear and discuss each other’s opinions. If you’re thinking: ‘Easier said than done…’ watch these three short YouTube interviews with Ellen Goodman, co-Founder (2012) of The Conversation Project:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbWcLYOniWU

www.youtube.com/watch?v=09w3Lv9QiR4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inATwqe4iX0

I have another trick up my sleeve—a Guest Blog post from Susan Soper, creator of ObitKit. You read it correctly: ObitKit. Using Susan’s guidelines, ask your family to help write your obituary. Before you read her Guest Blog, take a quick romp through her website www.obitkit.com

How-to Make It Through the Holidays  

Susan Soper

As the holidays are approaching, perhaps you will be experiencing a number of heartbreaking firsts this year:

“First Thanksgiving”: a special someone is missing from the table.

“First Christmas and Hanukkah in December”: you’re flooded with the spirit of loving and giving—and now, cherished memories from the past.

“First New Year”: you wonder: A whole year? How am I going to do this alone? Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, Mothers’ and Fathers’ Days, vacations, graduations, weddings, new births…you get the idea! It’s a daunting prospect. A loved one has died, but that doesn’t mean the memories of them do, too.

Our solution for enduring these rituals? We can keep their spirit alive with new traditions:

  • hang their stockings on the fireplace
  • use their most raved about recipes in our holiday meals
  • include their beloved ornaments or flowers in the centerpiece
  • listen to music they loved
  • attend their regular religious services and community programs.

Talking about them keeps their spirit, memory, and legacies alive. You can almost feel their presence as you recall top achievements, beloved stories, even missed opportunities—quirks, habits, oft-quoted sayings.

What about when it’s your turn to be missing at the table? How would you like that conversation to go? While you’re healthy, provide the leadership and guidance to discuss your final wishes. It’s the best gift! This avoids the guesswork and critical decision making during a heartbreaking, grieving time. State your exact wishes about how you’d like to be remembered and celebrated verbally and in writing. They’ll be relieved to know your final wishes and be able to honor them.

 Susan Soper is the author and founder of ObitKit: Live. Love. Laugh. Cry. Write it down! a workbook to help other families avoid the guesswork and last-minute decisions at the most heartbreaking time.   www.obitkit.com

 

 

 

 

 

Fast track to End of Life Planning—Introducing a New Series by Jon and Michelle Braddock

Everyone has a story. What’s yours? What’re you passionate about?

Some ideas are hatched out of inspiration, or out of desperation. www.yourexitstrategy.org (YES) was born out 40+ years of guilt. My guilt.

In 1967 I questioned my father’s doctor about his prognosis: He said: “Your dad’s got five years, with prostate cancer, if he follows directions.”

I was only 25 and totally self-absorbed. After traveling, studying and working overseas, my energies were focused on being a speech therapist in three Washington DC schools, and planning our wedding. Commute five hundred miles back to their home in Ohio? Not possible. It never occurred to me to delve deeper than his diagnosis. Our phone conversations were pathetic: “How’re you feeling today?”

You’ll learn with me as guest bloggers Jon and Michelle Braddock share how her dad’s death changed their professional careers. 

Being PREPARED Is a Gift!     Jon Braddock

I’m prepared for the inevitable: my own death. Being organized means not leaving a huge mess for my family to sort out. Do you know what happens if someone dies, hasn’t specified their wishes, or left concise directions for their loved ones? It creates undue STRESS, absorbs a tremendous amount of TIME and can cost huge sums of MONEY! Not coincidentally, these are the same three things that divide families.

Shocked by the unexpected death of my father-in-law, (they’d been married 63 years) it took us almost a year to locate and access online accounts [without passwords], trace safe deposit box keys, bank accounts, and life insurance policies. The list seemed never ending. He’d probably never considered how difficult it would be to untangle and settle their affairs.

Please watch our two-minute story on Vimeo to learn why we’ve become so passionate about helping other families avoid similar pain: https://vimeo.com/152296272   It’s pushed us into a career we could never have imagined: www.MyLifeandWishes.com

We’re relieved that our adult children won’t face the nightmare we did, because they know our desires and where everything is located. What do you want the experience to be like for your family? Are you prepared?  It’s easier than you think—download our guide: 10 Things You Need To Know http://try.mylifeandwishes.com/end-of-life-planning-ebook/

Our website is an online planning tool and storage site, which simplifies end-of-life planning considerations: healthcare directives; funeral direction; last wish instructions; wills; insurance papers; banking information; and other critical information you’ll need. Please use our previous blog posts https://www.mylifeandwishes.com/blog/ as an educational hub for your unanswered questions.

Do you agree that “building your final roadmap” could be the greatest gift you could leave your family?

Your Spouse as Healthcare Agent? 

Your Spouse as Healthcare Agent?   Perhaps NOT!

 Our GUEST BLOGGER, M. Jane Markley’s specialty in Advance Care directives makes her a highly sought speaker and trainer. Please register for the FREE webinar with Kim Adams, July 21st. 

Jane said: “In my June 2015 newsletter, I spoke about CHOOSING your Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare, also known as a Healthcare Agent.  I emphasized the importance of addressing three criteria when making this decision.  As a refresher, here they are.  The person you choose should:

  • Be ready, willing, and able to take on the role
  • Have had a conversation with you and understand your wishes
  • Be able to abide by your wishes and be your advocate when needed. 

What are the Pro’s and Con’s of having a spouse be your healthcare agent?  Over 40 years ago, my mother chose me, not my father, to be her healthcare agent.  He fully met the first two criteria, but she felt that he wouldn’t be able to meet the third, because of the type of care she would want when “the crisis” occurred.  She believed I would best be able to advocate for her.  Then she told everyone in the family her wishes. Spouses frequently struggle with the choices their loved ones make. If they can’t support those decisions, or advocate for them, they’re not the right person to assume this role.  Whomever you choose to be your healthcare agent, speak with them to make sure they meet all three.”

These are the nuances of advance care planning that not everyone considers. Do you have other questions about this type of planning?  Want to learn more in a safe environment?  Join us Thursday, 21 July at 7:00 pm EST, when I’ll be speaking about advance care planning, and taking questions from the audience on Kim Adams’ Monthly Dialogues for Living and Dying Well.  Please register at:

https://app.webinarjam.net/register/1117/0eaa8c834f


I hope that you will be able to join us for this
FREE program. Have ‘The Conversation’ and Give ‘The Gift’

 Copyright © M Jane Markley Consulting, LLC. All Rights Reserved
www.mjmarkley.com   (301) 744-7656

PART TWO Building your own Quality vs Quantity charts

         QUALITY of Life

PRO arguments

Patient stays in control. Can you hear Frank Sinatra singing, “I Did It My Way”?

Shared Decision Making with your medical team and your family

Patient prepares written documentation, EXIT STRATEGY instructions, for family to carry out their End of Life [EOL] wishes

Patient insists on EOL conversations with medical team

Patient writes their Bucket List

Patient researches his/her disease(s) to anticipate next stages/next steps

Patient develops Legacy Plan for family and community

Learn “A-N-D” – Allow Natural Death

Learn meaning of Palliative Care

Research benefits of early enrollment in Hospice, to enhance the quality of final days. Surviving family members receive bereavement services for first year.

Chooses spiritual resources: Rabbi, Pastor, Iman

Research and visit:

CON arguments:   I can’t think of any, can you?

QUANTITY of Life

PRO arguments

Perhaps you want to live long enough to experience a major event? A graduation? A birth? A wedding?

Help me out here–I personally can’t imagine trying to stay alive longer. If you have some input, please send me your comments.

CON arguments

This list could get very long. I personally evaluate through the lens of how much PAIN would I have to endure? How much will it COST? 

Many doctors avoid the agonizing treatments or surgeries that they put their patients through. Do an internet search on Futile Medical Treatment. My Google search yielded 576,000 results.

A few years ago I read this article by Dr. Ken Murray: http://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2011/11/30/how-doctors-die/ideas/nexus/

Now, tell me what you think!